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[29 Sep 2009|06:28am]
I want to come home. I have no money though.
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[19 Sep 2009|05:04pm]
The pain still makes my toes curl.
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[16 Sep 2009|07:10am]

I want to go back in time when we were all living at the Ritter House. I had no worries. No broken hearts. We were happy. We were four together forever. Some forever it's been...


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[26 Aug 2009|06:38pm]




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[24 Aug 2009|09:38pm]
Busy day tomorrow then I guess I'll start the begining stages of packing on Wednesday!
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rooftops [20 Aug 2009|11:37am]

First we started out by meeting at Borders. He Told me we only had a very short amount of time because he had somewhere to be. So we sat and talked and he excused himself to go to the bathroom where he called and rescheduled. We then decided to go walk around down town Winston-Salem and he showed me some really cool stores that I wanted to go in. They were closed because it was too late. Then he took me to two different fountains. The first one had a great big waterfall and we stood by it then he asked if I wanted to go to the next one so we walked across town to the next one. This one was a Japanese water garden and there was a small circular stage in in front of it and we laid in the middle of that and talked. It began to rain a bit so we decided to find somewhere to go. We couldn't think of anything that was open and then he said he had a good idea. We drove back to borders but went around the back of the building and climbed up the latter. By the time we go up there it was raining pretty steadily and he asked if he could spin me around. So we danced in the rain on the rooftop. Just like a movie.

Our lives are going in such different directions but we promised to keep in touch this time. I hope that's a promise we both keep.

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The bright side [18 Aug 2009|11:23pm]
Today was one of those good days.
Tomorrow shall be as well.
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Make believe [16 Aug 2009|11:25pm]
I do not believe in love. I think it goes under the same category as fate, or magic. I think it's just something that humans have conjured up and it doesn't truly exist. For instance, I would like to think that Heaven is really, but I just don't.
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RIP Max [11 Aug 2009|08:40pm]



Rest in peace Max.


Yesterday after my dad's MRI appointment he and I went to Salvation Army and to the car parts store and we got home I noticed Max wasn't in his usual bed. So I checked the other beds and still no sign. I rushed out side to find him down up against the fence panting. I called to him but he didn't move. He lost his hearing any way so i wasn't expecting a repsonse. I reached down to touch him and he usually flinches because he also lost his sight. I picked him up and he was totally limp. He had also lost is bladder all over himself. I brought him in and went to get my Dad. In about an hour is breathing was back to normal and we were able to get him to drink some water. Today he has not been able to get up. I had to hold him so he could drink some water and to take him outside to use the bathroom. We think he could have had a heart attack or a stroke. He is very very old and it is his time to go. His quality of life is down to the bare minimum now. We are taking him to the vet tomorrow to have him put to sleep so he won't suffer any longer. This has been a long time coming now.


Tonight is also my last night with my cats. I am enjoying the time I have with them for now.


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[10 Aug 2009|01:46am]

I had my yard sale this weekend. I sold almost everything! All of my percious things like my owl collection, my books, records, and vhs', are being stowed away at my parents house while I'm gone. Only thing left to sell is my car.

I've been working a few shifts at the theater to make money and good news is I have enough for my plane ticket now!

Patrick and I have been playing phone tag all weekend. I'm so glad he and I were able to get back in touch. He is such a wonderful person.

I saw a shooting star on the way home from work. I hope my wish comes true :)


Still need a home for my cats! Please help! :,(

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Just breathe [04 Aug 2009|07:39pm]

I have pushed all the friends away so i have nobody to turn to. Kable is going to give away the cats. I can't bring them to italy. Emma had the nerve to text me and tell me to come get my clothes. They are in love and it makes me want to die. I was doing so well and it's like square one all over again. But worse this time maybe. How could we break up and it was a mutual thing being that we loved eachother but the timing wasn't right... Then three weeks later he loves someone new. That someone was the one who was there to help me move my things out and she was there when I was crying because I was sad. Now shes texting me and telling me shes going to give our cats away. Our cats that we got because we loved eachother and because we thought we were each others "ones". I cannot tell you how deep this hurts. They want me to go to their house into their room to get into the attic to get my things. I cannot go into that house. I begged him to meet me somewhere because it's too hard and he laughed. He fucking laughed.



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William Blake [01 Aug 2009|11:31pm]

Never seek to tell thy love,   
  Love that never told can be;   
For the gentle wind doth move   
  Silently, invisibly.   
I told my love, I told my love,
  I told her all my heart,   
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.   
  Ah! she did depart!   
Soon after she was gone from me,   
  A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:   
  He took her with a sigh.
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[30 Jul 2009|03:01am]




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[27 Jul 2009|11:56pm]
Pure love





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[24 Jul 2009|02:19am]
I'm a TERRIBLE detective. I've been trying to get in touch with an old friend for a few months now. I wish he were normal and had facebook, haha.

Anyone have any ideas?

I've tried:
unc websites
checked old emails
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[17 Jul 2009|10:14pm]
I had an amazing trip this week. Lots of great comic books. Lots of nature. Tons and tons of laughter.
I don't want to come back to charlotte. I wish I were leaving for italy on monday.
I want a warm body to cuddle and sleep with.

I am becoming more happy. Time heals all. Even the most broken of hearts.
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[06 Jul 2009|08:34pm]
I have been a WRECK.
He isn't showing respect but, today was something I really needed. It was perfect. Tears, laughter, love. We may not be right for eachother now but I hope we do end up together in the long run.

I have to truly find myself before we can be even think of "us" again. They may take until next year, who knows.

For now, I'm going to STAY STRONG. Live happily, and stay safe.
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[29 Jun 2009|06:27pm]
it's only monday and i'm soo bored. Who can give me a job!?!?
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Tuscany is out for the summer. I will now be leaving in September. [27 Jun 2009|12:45am]
[ mood | hungry ]

There was too much to do and not enough time.

I don't think I've eaten a full meal or gotten more than four hours of sleep since Gina told me I'd no longer have a job in two weeks. Then right after that came the "break-up". I think that's effected me more considering I've figured out my job situation.

I had an amazing conversation tonight with a mom and dad that I babysit for regularly. They are from Canada and have lived in Bermuda, Charlotte, somewhere else and Vancouver. The dad has travelled the world. They are both hard working, loving and adventurous. I envy their lifestyle. On the drive home tonight I actually felt hunger for the first time in a while. I'm not really depressed or sad even. I've not cried in a week. I'm just a bit lethargic. On the drive home I also felt calm. I felt collected. Everything was fine then I texted him and I asked if he wants us to be together in the future. Although he won't answer directly I still don't feel sad. It's just that the calm has left now. It's kind of been replaced with emptiness.

I've started reading Eat, Pray, Love. I thought it was just a religious suburban moms type novel but it's really a lot more than that. "You can't judge a book by it's cover". I couldn't have picked a more perfect time to start reading this one. It's about a woman who finds herself in a relationship and wants out so she finally after many months decides to leave. Then she has a very desperate relationship with a man who she loves more than anything and they just can't seem to get it right. She wants to be with him 24/7 and he doesn't like to share his feelings and is more independent when it comes to the whole relationship. They love each other tirelessly but no matter what they always just end up making each other miserable. She feels alone and he feels suffocated. They can't compromise. So in the end (or the beginning) she decides what she really wants to do is learn Italian and travel to three I's... Italy, Indonesia, and India. Anyways so does any of this sound familiar??? It's like reading my Diary. Only David should be changed to Kable.

I hope I am able to find that calm again. He will be in town tomorrow but he does not want to see me. I suppose it would only make things harder for me anyways. If this was supposed to be such a great idea why don't I feel content with our decision yet? Will I ever? Time will tell.
Perhaps I'll meet an Italian boy who has all of his qualities plus one more; being that he wants to spend all his time with the ever-so-greedy(/desperate) me.

In all honesty, I'm 89583495% not looking or a man when I leave. I have never been alone before so I plan now to work on some "me things". I need to learn to be more emotionally independent. As well as a lot of other things which I will not get into now.

I'm actually picking up pretty easily on Italian thus far. I think it's because I studied French for so many years and the two are very similar. I hope by the time I get back I am semi-fluent. A years worth of language classes (required by government) and everyday speaking will definitely give me the advantage on that goal.

I'm going to go eating something and read.


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Aupair update... [22 Jun 2009|07:46pm]
I'll be leaving in less than two weeks to go be a summer nanny for an Austrian family in Tuscany, Italy. Then I will fly hope, repack and head to either Italy, Germany, or France. The last part is still up in the air. I've spoken on the phone with the German family and tomorrow I'll speak with the Italian family. I think which ever needs me first is where I'll go. I'm pulling for the German family thus far. perhaps the phone conversation will change that. I've not spoken at all with the French family yet, we've only agreed we'd like to speak. I'm waiting on them to upgrade their account so they can see my contact info.

This is all so excited and happening so fast! I'm going to have a "I'm moving to Europe everything must go sell" soon.
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